Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos

2001-01-18 - 02:45 am

2005-02-18T20:46:48Z

It was raining really hard. I mean really really hard. Storming. Not the kind of weather you'd go out in. I was standing at the busstop. It was a funny little scene. Behind me was something like countryside. A field. And in front of me, on the other side of the road, was a few local shops and buildings. It was like the edge of civilization (ok, slight exaggeration). I just wanted to get home. And I wanted the bus to come so I could get out of the rain. I love rain but this was too much. And then the cute asian girl who worked in the supermarket came over. She was taking the same bus. And she had an umbrella. A nice sturdy one. With room for two under it. So there I am in a horrible rain storm and a really cute and pretty girl offers me a space under her umbrella. Now try and guess what I did?
I said no.
"no, I'm okay, here in the worst rainstorm I've ever been in. I'm good". So I stand there in the rain getting soaked. And it was so cold. It was almost hail. Beating fiercely against the side of my face. I swear my ear was numb when I finally got inside in the warm bus.
And that was the story of me, the rain and the asian girl.

...

Lasse's Deep Thought For The Day: Idiots are people too
2001-01-18

2001-01-15-16-17

2005-02-18T20:45:55Z

Lasse's Deep Thought For The Day: Even if you bring an umbrella it will still rain
2001-01-15 - 01:18 am

Lasse's Deep Thought For The Day: If a nuclear bomb explodes and there's no one left to hear it does it still make a sound?
2001-01-16 - 02:13 am

Lasse's Deep Thought For The Day: M&M's are all the same colour on the inside. And they taste good too!
2001-01-17 - 02:15

2001-01-12 - 02.34 am

2005-02-18T20:43:57Z

It's almost precisely two years since I died. January 12th 1999. Between 6 and 7 am. I feel a bit like that x-files episode where there's a guy who can't die. He never sees Death, the grim reaper, or something along those lines. So can't die. I feel like Death is trying to catch up with me. I'm dead but my corpse is walking the earth. Zombie, it's in your head.
2001-01-12

2001-01-11 - 02:45 am

2005-02-18T20:42:37Z

Hmmmmm. Skye found this diary. Welcome Skye. I can't say I'm really to happy about that, but there you go. I just want to apologize. I know there will be some things you aren't going to like. I put some personal things that you told me in here. Didn't think anyone from "our world" would get in here. There's a lot of my doubt and such. Ah, well... whatever. I'm not perfect. That would be scary, right? I never promised I was worth anything. I'm sorry

...

Another disturbing thing: When my mother pronounces hard disk (which is Danish for hard drive) she says "hard diks". Oh god. The horror.
2001-01-11

2001-01-10 - 01:37 am

2005-02-18T20:41:01Z

The "b" key is sluggish. Like the world is sending me subliminal signals about how I really shouldn't use b too much.

I don't think I do. I wonder why the world insists on the importance of me not using b when I really don't use it all that much. You'd think the world had better things to do.

Maybe I'll stop using b completely. Wouldn't that e fun?
2001-01-10

2001-01-09 - 01:45 am

2005-02-18T20:40:14Z

I think my plan to slowly (?) go insane is working. I seem to be reffering to myself as Plume on occasion. It won't be long now. They're coming to take me away, haha, to the funny farm, hoho. I forget the rest.
2001-01-09

2001-01-07 - 02:35 am

2005-02-18T20:39:17Z

ooneo> how old r u
BoyWhoReallyNeeds> 22
ooneo> are you workin tomorrow
BoyWhoReallyNeeds> no
ooneo> do you turn off your computer while you r at work
BoyWhoReallyNeeds> actually I'm unemployed. So the computer is on most of the day.
ooneo> cool
ooneo> why do you turn off yhe spu while you are asleep
ooneo> cpu is what i meant

Did you notice how his response to me being unemployed is "cool"? That's so nice... Yeah, man. Unemployed, coooool.
2001-01-07

2001-01-03 - 18:29:26

2005-02-18T20:38:35Z

Is there anything more beautiful than mixed metaphors? Sigh. I was supposed to say no and then of course give a brilliant example of a mixed metaphor. But I'm too tired to think of one. Kinda ruins the joke, don't you agree?
2001-01-03

2000-12-21 - 02:36

2005-02-18T20:37:34Z

2000-12-21 - 02:36

2000-12-14 - 02:29

2004-10-15T20:02:45Z

Cats.

I wonder what the cats are up to.

They walk around and act all cute and pet like.

I don't buy it.

There's gotta be more to them than just the purring. They're related to tigers and lions and elephants and bears. I think. I suspect they're up to something.

I wish I knew what the cats are thinking...
2000-12-14

2000-12-08 - 03:51

2004-10-15T19:59:26Z

2000-12-08

2000-12-05 - 00:37

2004-10-15T19:56:49Z

But thinking about the soul made me think of the heart. How we see the heart as love and something beautiful. In reality it's just an organ pumping blood around the body. It doesn't really look too romantic if you cut it out and drop it on the table. It's just part of our machine. God isn't in our heart. Blood is in our heart. If our heart fails we can get a new one. I wonder what happens if a Christian gets a heart transplant from a bhuddist or a hindu or muslim (...). I wonder if god will still be in his heart, even though it used to belong to a non believer.
2000-12-05

2000-12-04 - 03:17

2004-10-15T19:55:38Z

And the song was about December. I don't remember the exact lyrics but it was something like "why is it that in december you're never down? Why is december so good...". ..and I thought that was a bit funny since December is probably the number 1 suicide month and everbody who's sane must be down at some point during December. I'm not really going anywhere with this I just wanted to point out that DECEMBER SUCKS AND I HATE CHRISTMAS. And deep down I have a nice heart and sense of decency and my last name is Grinch.
2000-12-04

2000-12-02 - 22:22

2004-10-15T19:49:08Z

now and always

The
Smashing
Pumpkins

forever

if you have to go don't say goodbye
if you have to go don't you cry
if you have to go I will get by
some day i'll follow you

and see you on the other side

</center>mourning our way home...

2000-12-02

2000-11-17 - 22:58

2004-10-15T19:46:49Z

I love AIM.

M4Y0N4ISE: hi
Pumpkinide: hi
M4Y0N4ISE: a/s/l

When a conversation starts like that you just know it's going to be good.
2000-11-17

2000-11-17 - 01:43

2004-09-22T14:00:55Z

Some person called "emdude13m" with a hotlist consisting of nothing but Eminem songs is downloading Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins from me. Somehow that just seems extremely funny to me.
2000-11-17

2000-11-05 - 02.11

2004-09-22T13:59:59Z

You know that guy? That awkward kid in corner. The shy one who doesn't talk much. The lonely kid. The outsider. The one you'd never hang out with. Well, one of these days... give him a kiss. Just a little one. Doesn't have to be in public. Just pull him to the side and tell him that you know he exists... you don't have to pretend you're close friends or that you love him. Just give him a quick kiss.
He'll remember that always. You'll live in his heart and mind forever. Wouldn't that be amazing. To be a part of his history? When karma is counted it'll weigh on your good side. When he sits alone in his room and cries he'll think of you. Maybe you'll be one of the things that keep him alive. Maybe he'll one day write poetry about you. Maybe you'll change his life. Maybe not. But would it kill you to try?
2000-11-05

2000-11-04 - 02:10

2004-09-22T13:59:11Z

Now kids, I'm going to get serious. Here is my parody political broadcast... About the american election. DISCLAIMER: I'm Danish, know little of politics and I'm generally a moron half the time. Now... America's new president should be: Al Gore! It's obvious. Allow me to explain... Anyone like Monthy Python? Remember that sketch about tinny and woody words? Now say Al Gore. Gooooooore. A-a-a-l Go-o-o-o-re. That's woody as hell! I'm not saying that Bush is a tinny word. But George is on the tinny side. Anyway, Gore is the woodiest name I can think off in the political life. So elect him! Also about Bush, you know... come on. What do you want the world to think about you? That you have so little imagination that you'll actually elect a president with the exact same (well, almost) name as one of the previous ones? Can you imagine how hard we'll laugh at you? " I think George Bush is the greatest president we've ever had" "No, it's George Bush!"... can you imagine the fights? So vote Gore! You know it makes sense
2000-11-04

2000-11-02 - 03:47

2004-09-22T13:58:30Z

On my way to the shop I pass this playground. More than a playground though. It's got a nice little club house, and lots of animals and such. And when I biked past it two goats were baaahing. They went "baah"- "baah" like they were talking, answering each other. Calling out. Like wolves howling at the moon. And I got this urge to just go "baaah" myself. Just to join in. Of course in civilized society you don't just go "baah" for no good reason. So I didn't. But I wanted to baaaah.
2000-11-02

2000-10-29 - 02:05

2004-09-19T19:08:13Z

The Smashing Pumpkins played in Denmark. I guess yesterday. Times like these I wish I didn't have a social phobia and an immense fear of people.... Yeah. The last chance, the last rose of summer is dead. No more pumpkins. Ever.
2000-10-29

2000-10-28 - 03:02

2004-09-19T19:06:33Z

I don't know the title. "Footsteps on the dancefloor reminds me baby of you. Teardrops in my eyes, next time I'll be true". Not really a song I'd normally like. The kind of song they'd play at parties. I danced with a girl to that song. I think that happened.... just about twice. Twice in my life. I'm getting depressed now. Starting to cry. Thinking about all that shit. All those parties where I sat in the corner. Haha, like a fucking movie. Wallflower. Everybody partying. Feeling the cold air when walking home, relieved that it was over. Sad that it was wasted. That one time when I was sitting and talking to Christian. Everyone else was doing some group dance. Then Camilla came over. Asked Christian to come over and join the fun. Ignoring me. It was a FUCKING group dance, everybody dancing. Didn't cast a glance in my direction. Ah, Christian was a good sport. Stayed put. Kept me company. Fucking hell. "and the music don't feel like it felt when I felt it with you". I danced with sara once. That was beautiful. Too bad it was one of the quicksong stupiddance things. I wish ít had been slow. That would have been nice. Yeah.
2000-10-28

2000-10-27 - 03:47

2004-09-19T19:05:44Z

I wasn't into music. But then I heard two songs. Creep and Disarm. Creep isn't Radiohead's best but the lyrics... "I want you to notice when I'm not around"....those were my exact feelings about Sara. The girl I loved for the last 4-5 years of my schoolgoing. Maybe the only girl I ever really loved. "you're so fucking special I wish I was special but I'm a creep I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here"... oh..."I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"... Yeah. It amazed me that lyrics could be so powerful. That they could mean so much and talk straight to me. I never knew music could do that. Then there was Disarm. "Disarm you with a smile, leave you like they left me here to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone, the years burn". "The killer in me is the killer in you, what's a boy supposed to do? I send this smile over to you" That song remains the greatest. I know it's stupid but I feel like Billy Corgan and I are connected. Like he writes his songs for me. I know everybody'll think that way about their idols. It's akin to the whole Katie Holmes obsessed thing. But still. He's 33. I'm 22. He was born March 17th I was born March 15th. He wrote the song Spaceboy about his disabled brother. I have a disabled brother, not quite the same thing but still a brother he grew up protecting and such. A brother who does well on his own now. That's totally Peter, my brother. And then of course all the songs. "Pink ribbon scars that never forget, I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets, my angel wings were bruised and restrained, my belly stings" from Today. I have those pink ribbon scars. They NEVER EVER forget. Always there. I'll never escape them. "bored by the chore of saving face". "I'll burn my eyes out before I get out". It's me. I guess that's why I love them so much. I think they're what I love the most in life. The lyrics are so amazing, I can relate to them all. And then you can get the rage, the anger, the hate, the drumcrashing rawk'n'roll. Or you can get the quiet beauty ballad, the gentle lullabye or the screaming madness. Everything and in between. Stadium rock anthems or acoustic demos where he's not even trying to sing. You can get incredibly complex and meaningful lyrics. Or just simple nothings "Hungry, hungry again. Hungry, hungry again. When will it start to sway. when will it start to almost break you?" "oh yeah, another day. Oh yeah, what a waste. What it is, it never was. I don't care, or give a fuck. My boredom has outshined the sun, it's all down low. I just want to have some little fun. Bring me down. Bring me down". Bring me down. I hope everyone has a band that can do so much, mean so much, for them. And if it's Britney Spears or NSYNC then power to ya. They make me puke but if they make ýou feel like the pumpkins make me feel then I guess they're here for a reason. Oh, I could go on and on and on about tsp. I already have.
2000-10-27

2000-10-27 - 03:47

2004-09-19T19:04:55Z

I guess I'll tell the story of Katie Holmes and I. Oh Yes.

It was the time after the great suicide attempt. Things were unpleasant. Yeah, I used to laugh at that Seinfeld joke about people who fail suicide. One more thing they suck at. Mhm. Well, I was alone and needed someone. And there was no one. So I looked to the tv screen. I know it's silly. It could've been anyone. Like Britney Spears. Hehe, no not her. But I'm sure that a lot of people won't think there's a big difference between falling in love with Britney Spears and falling in love with Katie Holmes. But I fell in love with Katie Holmes. Oh, I know now that it wasn't love. I'm over it and all. But I convinced myself that I loved her and devoted my time and energy on her. To avoid dealing with real life. I still do that in other ways of course. So why Katie? Well, I remember the funeral of one of the characters on Dawson's Creek. Parents crying for their dead child. They never knew how she really was. So that got to me. Made me cry. Picturing my parents at my funeral. I was having a minor breakdown. And then she were there. I still think she has the most beautiful smile in the world. (I even made a tribute to her on my website. I took most of it down, but go here to see what remains. I went bananas over her. Typical crazed fan type of thing. And I even started writing poetry for her. I'd never been into poetry. But I thank her for revealing that side of me. Of course I wrote a lot of crappy love poetry about her. But I also discovered the therapeutical value of writing about the shit that goes on inside. So if it wasn't for her I probably would've never started writing. And of course I sent poems to her. Ohmygod I hope she never got them. It was wrong of me. I regret doing that. But what can I say? I was obsessed. I stayed up till 6am just to watch Y2k on the american east coast.

She diverted my attention from my crappy empty life. And for that I'm greatful. Then it so happened that we got a computer and an internet connection. And I started spending time on that instead of thinking about her. Another diversion.

oh and the thing that triggered all this remembering was the soundtrack to Dawson's Creek. The second soundtrack. I saw it on tv. And I didn't feel that pull inside, that need to get it. I felt that when the first soundtrack came out. I needed it. And I don't regret buying it either, some nice songs. PJ Olsson's "Ready For A Fall" is wonderful. And so are several of the other songs. "To Be Loved" is heartbreaking... "you deserve to be loved"...mhmhm.

So that was the story I guess. Of how I was so alone that I needed a fictional character to love. Boy, talk about having no one, eh?
2000-10-27

2000-10-26 - 03:49

2004-09-19T19:04:03Z

Yeah, the concept of actually being loved. Seems so alien. That anyone would ever love me seems impossible. Oh there are the persons who are supposed to love me, and maybe they did once. But for someone to see something in me that's worth loving. Someone from the outside. It seems unlikely. Maybe that's why skye scares me. I'm just not worth it. I wish I had the strength to tell her that.
2000-10-26

2000-10-19 - 06:52:28

2004-09-19T19:03:00Z

An ode to Poetry.com

Poetry.com wants only one thing
to make money
don't buy their products
they're crummy
Trust me there's not much poetic justice
and what's worse it
they just want you to buy
a coffe mug with your poem on
don't ask me why
poetry.com does this
I think they're greedy

and liars too
I've seen what they do
they want only one thing
to make money

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Copyright ©2000 Plume
2000-10-19