2000-10-19 - 06:52:28 [19 Sep 2004|09:01pm] An ode to Poetry.com Poetry.com wants only one thing to make money don't buy their products they're crummy Trust me there's not much poetic justice and what's worse it they just want you to buy a coffe mug with your poem on don't ask me why poetry.com does this I think they're greedy and liars too I've seen what they do they want only one thing to make money Plume Copyright ©2000 Plume 2000-10-19 post comment

2000-10-26 - 03:49 [19 Sep 2004|09:03pm] Yeah, the concept of actually being loved. Seems so alien. That anyone would ever love me seems impossible. Oh there are the persons who are supposed to love me, and maybe they did once. But for someone to see something in me that's worth loving. Someone from the outside. It seems unlikely. Maybe that's why skye scares me. I'm just not worth it. I wish I had the strength to tell her that. 2000-10-26 post comment

2000-10-27 - 03:47 [19 Sep 2004|09:04pm] I guess I'll tell the story of Katie Holmes and I. Oh Yes. It was the time after the great suicide attempt. Things were unpleasant. Yeah, I used to laugh at that Seinfeld joke about people who fail suicide. One more thing they suck at. Mhm. Well, I was alone and needed someone. And there was no one. So I looked to the tv screen. I know it's silly. It could've been anyone. Like Britney Spears. Hehe, no not her. But I'm sure that a lot of people won't think there's a big difference between falling in love with Britney Spears and falling in love with Katie Holmes. But I fell in love with Katie Holmes. Oh, I know now that it wasn't love. I'm over it and all. But I convinced myself that I loved her and devoted my time and energy on her. To avoid dealing with real life. I still do that in other ways of course. So why Katie? Well, I remember the funeral of one of the characters on Dawson's Creek. Parents crying for their dead child. They never knew how she really was. So that got to me. Made me cry. Picturing my parents at my funeral. I was having a minor breakdown. And then she were there. I still think she has the most beautiful smile in the world. (I even made a tribute to her on my website. I took most of it down, but go here to see what remains. I went bananas over her. Typical crazed fan type of thing. And I even started writing poetry for her. I'd never been into poetry. But I thank her for revealing that side of me. Of course I wrote a lot of crappy love poetry about her. But I also discovered the therapeutical value of writing about the shit that goes on inside. So if it wasn't for her I probably would've never started writing. And of course I sent poems to her. Ohmygod I hope she never got them. It was wrong of me. I regret doing that. But what can I say? I was obsessed. I stayed up till 6am just to watch Y2k on the american east coast. She diverted my attention from my crappy empty life. And for that I'm greatful. Then it so happened that we got a computer and an internet connection. And I started spending time on that instead of thinking about her. Another diversion. oh and the thing that triggered all this remembering was the soundtrack to Dawson's Creek. The second soundtrack. I saw it on tv. And I didn't feel that pull inside, that need to get it. I felt that when the first soundtrack came out. I needed it. And I don't regret buying it either, some nice songs. PJ Olsson's "Ready For A Fall" is wonderful. And so are several of the other songs. "To Be Loved" is heartbreaking... "you deserve to be loved"...mhmhm. So that was the story I guess. Of how I was so alone that I needed a fictional character to love. Boy, talk about having no one, eh? 2000-10-27 post comment

2000-10-27 - 03:47 [19 Sep 2004|09:05pm] I wasn't into music. But then I heard two songs. Creep and Disarm. Creep isn't Radiohead's best but the lyrics... "I want you to notice when I'm not around"....those were my exact feelings about Sara. The girl I loved for the last 4-5 years of my schoolgoing. Maybe the only girl I ever really loved. "you're so fucking special I wish I was special but I'm a creep I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here"... oh..."I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"... Yeah. It amazed me that lyrics could be so powerful. That they could mean so much and talk straight to me. I never knew music could do that. Then there was Disarm. "Disarm you with a smile, leave you like they left me here to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone, the years burn". "The killer in me is the killer in you, what's a boy supposed to do? I send this smile over to you" That song remains the greatest. I know it's stupid but I feel like Billy Corgan and I are connected. Like he writes his songs for me. I know everybody'll think that way about their idols. It's akin to the whole Katie Holmes obsessed thing. But still. He's 33. I'm 22. He was born March 17th I was born March 15th. He wrote the song Spaceboy about his disabled brother. I have a disabled brother, not quite the same thing but still a brother he grew up protecting and such. A brother who does well on his own now. That's totally Peter, my brother. And then of course all the songs. "Pink ribbon scars that never forget, I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets, my angel wings were bruised and restrained, my belly stings" from Today. I have those pink ribbon scars. They NEVER EVER forget. Always there. I'll never escape them. "bored by the chore of saving face". "I'll burn my eyes out before I get out". It's me. I guess that's why I love them so much. I think they're what I love the most in life. The lyrics are so amazing, I can relate to them all. And then you can get the rage, the anger, the hate, the drumcrashing rawk'n'roll. Or you can get the quiet beauty ballad, the gentle lullabye or the screaming madness. Everything and in between. Stadium rock anthems or acoustic demos where he's not even trying to sing. You can get incredibly complex and meaningful lyrics. Or just simple nothings "Hungry, hungry again. Hungry, hungry again. When will it start to sway. when will it start to almost break you?" "oh yeah, another day. Oh yeah, what a waste. What it is, it never was. I don't care, or give a fuck. My boredom has outshined the sun, it's all down low. I just want to have some little fun. Bring me down. Bring me down". Bring me down. I hope everyone has a band that can do so much, mean so much, for them. And if it's Britney Spears or NSYNC then power to ya. They make me puke but if they make ýou feel like the pumpkins make me feel then I guess they're here for a reason. Oh, I could go on and on and on about tsp. I already have. 2000-10-27 post comment

2000-10-28 - 03:02 [19 Sep 2004|09:06pm] I don't know the title. "Footsteps on the dancefloor reminds me baby of you. Teardrops in my eyes, next time I'll be true". Not really a song I'd normally like. The kind of song they'd play at parties. I danced with a girl to that song. I think that happened.... just about twice. Twice in my life. I'm getting depressed now. Starting to cry. Thinking about all that shit. All those parties where I sat in the corner. Haha, like a fucking movie. Wallflower. Everybody partying. Feeling the cold air when walking home, relieved that it was over. Sad that it was wasted. That one time when I was sitting and talking to Christian. Everyone else was doing some group dance. Then Camilla came over. Asked Christian to come over and join the fun. Ignoring me. It was a FUCKING group dance, everybody dancing. Didn't cast a glance in my direction. Ah, Christian was a good sport. Stayed put. Kept me company. Fucking hell. "and the music don't feel like it felt when I felt it with you". I danced with sara once. That was beautiful. Too bad it was one of the quicksong stupiddance things. I wish ít had been slow. That would have been nice. Yeah. 2000-10-28 post comment

2000-10-29 - 02:05 [19 Sep 2004|09:07pm] The Smashing Pumpkins played in Denmark. I guess yesterday. Times like these I wish I didn't have a social phobia and an immense fear of people.... Yeah. The last chance, the last rose of summer is dead. No more pumpkins. Ever. 2000-10-29 2 comments|post comment

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